Monday, September 05, 2011

Goodbye Sweet Girl

I'm not really sure what to write, but I have always found comfort and closure in writing. I really need closure right now. For the past 5 years every time I said Goodbye to Roo I would hold her extra tight and hope with all my might that it wouldn't be my last time holding her. It always broke my heart to tell her goodbye. I didn't know it, or maybe I did, but when I told her goodbye in June it was for the last time. It was in Mom's driveway. I don't remember any details, which is strange. I just remember the ache that I always felt when I told her goodbye.
She was just a dog. That's what most people would say, but she was so much more than that. She was a member of our family. A member that always gave unconditional love and, even though she wined, would cuddle when you asked her. I loved her like I would love a human. Now, I ache for her like I would a human. It's been 2 full days since she's been gone. Every time I think about her I tear up. I'm hoping that is normal. I also hope that one day I'll be able to talk about her and not cry. Even now, as I write this, my heart is aching. I ache because I fear that she thought I abandoned her. I always was her "favorite". I say that because whenever I was around she was around. My parents took exceptional care of her, but I was the one that brought her home. I guess that made her love me. When my parents moved to Florida they took her with them. I understood. They loved her like a child and I worked 40 hours a week. She wasn't used to being home alone. It wouldn't be fair to her. I was sad, but happy when she moved down there. She soon discovered a love for the beach and would enjoy daily walks. I guess I just always feared that she thought she had done something wrong and that I had left her. I know it's crazy. I know it is. If she did feel that way she never let me know it. She always greeted me with love and she always walked me out to my car, with my parents, when it was time to say goodbye. Mom recently told me that dogs have no sense of time and that she never knew that I would go months without seeing her. I really hope this is true. The other night I called my Mama and she was sitting in the bed with Roo. It was the day before. I asked Mama if she thought that Roo would hear me if she put the phone to her ear. They had suspected that her hearing had gone out. She thought it was worth a try so she put the phone up to her ear and I told her I loved her. I didn't tell her goodbye. Mama said that she stopped, like she heard me, and acted like she was listening. God, I hope she heard me.

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